America is in an Abusive Relationship with Donald Trump

Photo credit: Max Letek

In the immediate wake of my abusive relationship, I remember turning the word depleted over again and again in my head. Never before had I so specifically felt like this — physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Like all abusers, mine didn’t see me as a person, but as an object, a means to an end. What could I provide? What could he take? And then he took those things. Some of them, I gave. Others, he took for himself. By the end, I was wrung out.

The one thing he took above all else was my energy and my brain space. The energy that came from constantly living on pins and needles wondering what would come next, from tip-toeing around the next explosion, even while still cleaning up the shrapnel of the last explosion.

In some ways I feel like that now, all over again.

In the last few weeks, I have heard from both therapists and survivors of abuse that Donald Trump’s meltdown (and entire presidency, for that matter) is triggering. I know I’ve certainly felt that. Donald Trump is the prototype malignant narcissist — and America is basically in an abusive relationship with him. Nothing he’s doing right now is even remotely surprising. He’s a textbook case down to the letter. The shock is that we’re witnessing it on such a mass level. And it is exhausting to live in a world in which we are forced to witness his meltdown in the wake of this narcissistic injury.

Shortly before Trump was elected in 2016, I remember reading an op-ed in the New York Times about how, until now, America had never been faced with the potential of being led by a person with a mental illness. Now we know what that reality looks and feels like: miserable, frightening, disorienting, exhausting, and deleting. I’m tired of a lot of things right now but, most of all, I’m tired of thinking about The Great Cheeto Flameout. Much like at the end of my relationship, I want my energy back — but, this time, from Donald Trump.

Existing in a world that is governed by Donald Trump feels, in a very real way, like being in an abusive relationship — especially right now, as that relationship is coming to an end and he is spinning out into a delusional rage. He has all of the hallmarks of a narcissistic abuser.

• Gaslighting — Down is up, up is down, and reality is an ever-shifting mirage, twisted into whatever shape best suits his cause at any given moment. Facts stick only insofar as they benefit his gripe, argument, or desire of the moment. This is nothing new. Gaslighting has marked his presidency, beginning on Day 1 with the “alternative facts” about his inauguration attendance (despite what pictures so clearly showed), and extending to this very day when he “won the election,” despite what those 306 electoral votes clearly demonstrate and dozens of court hold up.
• Victimization — To hear him tell it, poor Trumpy-poo is the great long-suffering victim of our time. He is the victim of the fake news, the victim of Big Tech, and the victim of Joe Biden for being so callous as to not pay Trump proper homage in his acceptance speech. He’s the victim of all of the Evil Democrats who are out to get him despite everything he’s done for us.
• Endangering + Neglect — As the nation is rocked with COVID and economic fallout, Trump could care less about anything other than his own perceived wounds. And so, rather than alleviating any amount of the very real pain this country is feeling (and which he has helped promulgate through a deadly combination of super-spreader events and denial of facts and reality), Trump focuses on nothing but whining about the “fraudulent election” and … his golf game.
• Dehumanization of others — Directly related to endangering, to Trump, none of us are real humans, and we certainly don’t matter. We are simply pawns, here to serve his whims, highest purpose, and — most of all — his simultaneously fragile and over-blown ego.
• Projection — Despite what the facts may tell you, the Chief Oompa Loompa will have you know that’s it’s never him who is a criminal, cheater, liar, or racist. It’s always everyone else. Listening to what he accuses others of is the clearest way to understand what Trump is actually up to at any given moment.
• Triangulation — Narcissists create division between people to isolate them and put them at odds, for the simple purpose that it’s what best serves the narcissist. Trump has done this on both macro and micro levels, deepening the division between political parties as well as creating very real divides in the citizenry’s personal relationships. Many friendships, romantic, and even familial relationships have met a fiery end because it is incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship with someone on the opposite side in what has come to feel like a battle between good and evil.
• Intimidation + Threats — Shortly before the election, Trump warned that it would be “very bad” and there might even be physical violence were the election to not go his way. This is nothing new, particularly in the wake of this fiery summer of BLM protests, in which peaceful protesters were met by sometimes grave physical violence at the command of our “Law & Order” president.
• Disregard for rules — Despite this “law and order,” the rules that apply to others do not apply to Trump. He is above them.
• Lack of empathy — As clearly evidenced time and time again, in everything from The Wall to the Muslim Ban to immigrant children being separated (perhaps forever) from their parents to the millions of coronavirus patients (more than a quarter million of whom never recovered),Trump has a total and absolute disregard for the mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing of his fellow humans. You know, the ones he swore under oath to protect.
• Rage — To me, at least, this is the most disturbing of Trump’s abusive hallmarks. Rage is an unpredictable and volatile behavior pattern. In these final days of the presidency, we are living at the whim of a man who is blinded as the result of what he perceives as a deep wound to his ego. Any therapist will tell you that the most dangerous period of any abusive relationship is the end of it, when the abuser is wounded, threatened, and losing power. It’s why so many women struggle to leave abusive relationships and why 55 percent of homicides toward women are committed by romantic partners. Right now, America is the romantic partner that has scorned Trump.

As is true of the aftermath of any abusive relationship, we have a lot of healing to do as a nation. We need to regather our energy, reorient ourselves to reality, and remember who we are. And we are not this. We are bigger, better, and way stronger than what this small, ill man has told us we are.